A Peek Inside

I revealed my life to you

.... sorta like you asked me too

I told you my most inner secrets

.... you used them against me

I feel so defeated.

You were introduced to all my friends

.... I told myself I would not do that again

Letting you in has done me no justice

.... Next time I will be more prejudice.

My confidence has now been shattered

.... My reveal showed my divine truths

Once I pick up the pieces I will be bullet proof

..... This time I feel like a fool

But next time around I wont be moved.

So to you I say thanks for the help

.... in teaching me a new way to reveal myself.

So we meet.....

I have never been one of those people who meets someone out and have a connection until the day I meet him. I attended a party shortly after Thanksgiving with my friend Ahmad. Ahmad notices him as he walks into the room and mentions that he is attractive to me and I say yeah he is. So we leave it at that. He and his friend walk up to me and his friend tells me he likes my jacket. He then says "he likes everything about me". Immediately grabbing my attention he and I indulge into conversation though the course of the night to exchange phone numbers and the night ends. Curtains close.

Word Vomit

We cannot just say whatever we want to say then say sorry.... over and over again. We cannot justify causing someone else pain because we are in pain- its irresponsible, mean spirited and promotes victim consciousness.

What you say and how you say it matters, once words are out of your mouth- like throwing a rock- they cannot be called back.

Language has power, weigh your words carefully. You can create beauty or emotional annihilation

Choose the higher vibration.

The Outlet

Everyone needs an outlet. Even department stores send old fashions to outlets. It can also be defined as "an exit: an opening that permits escape or release". In a conversation today with an acquaintance he advised me that he and his partner were calling it quits after a difficult 9 year relationship. I asked why were they deciding to end it? One particular response stood out in my mind. He and his soon to be ex never hung out with his friends nor did the mate have anyone aside from him to check him on relationship issues. Thus the mate always thought his actions were ok. I told him I could understand what he was saying and that we all need an outlet. Someone to call us on our BS every now and then. We all need a critique every now and then it helps the relationship to have an outside prospective.

Who ?

• Who is looking to be changed upon entering into a union?


• What changes people?


• When do you stop trying to change someone?


• Where do find common ground to make things work?


• Why cant we accept people for who they are?


• How do you love them for who they are?

People typically never change they modify their behavior to fit the circumstance. In two separate conversations today alone I found myself conversing with friends who are expecting thier current mate to change. One finds himself surprised at his partners past. While the other wants his girlfriend to change totally. Simple answer its easier to build a child than to repair an adult. Obviously something about that person attracted you as they are, deal with that you can and only you will know when you have had enough.

Capacity to Love

Keisha and I went to lunch on Saturday and she advised me what her "capacity to love" was. She does not want more than a husband and possibly one child because her capacity to love can not support more than that. As always when having a conversation with someone of some intellectual substance typically I leave that conversation with some sort lesson, thoughts, etc.

Soooo....... leaving lunch, I was wondering what my capacity to love is. As I grow older I think my capacity to love grows weaker. I find myself not really giving a fuck about certain things that I may have once cared about. Does that make be a bad person? Well I guess I don't give a fuck whether it does or doesn't now do I? LOL....

Signs

As you drive down the street you see signs for any and everything. Typically we follow those signs as they are leading us in direction we are wishing to go.

How often do we follow signs that we do not see? Are lighting bolts to the forehead required for us to see signs all the time. Often times the boat passing you by can be a sign when you are drowning. Yet why do we still miss it?

Lately, I have had several signs regarding several issues just appear to me. Although, I know these have been signs (because I am writing about them currently) why have I not hopped in the boat? I am a pretty decent swimmer but I don't think I can wait for the ATL drought to dry up this water so it looks like I need to get on the next boat that passes.

What happens when.....

What happens when you are carrying dead weight? Once your arm gets tired? After you figure out you need more? When you decide enough is enough?

What do you do when the physical is not enough? Once you decide your needs are not being meet? What do you do when you want substance? When you need to hear more than I love you?

What do you do when you need just one ounce of encouragement? When you are starving for affection? When you want to be taught and not be the teacher?

You take a step back to remember that no one will ever provide you 100% of your needs. *Sigh*

First Next Then and Last......

Sequence is very important when it pertains to events, cause and effect, storytelling, etc. 1+1 must equal 2 before 2x2 can equal 4. It’s just the natural order of things. A friend and I were conversing about his significant other and how they forget what they do to cause a reaction to a situation. I often times have this same problem and apparently its very common.

Why do people forget the key element to a story (their role)?

The Time Machine

A time machine is defined as a science fiction machine that is supposed to transport people or objects into the past or the future. Often times I feel like I am in such a machine. In a conversation with someone dear to me yesterday, I was advised that if I decide to look back be sure to have a clear vision of my future and where I want it to be. For the first time ever, I must admit I don't have a clear vision. I continue to ask myself why am I in this machine? What keeps me traveling backward? If the future is so great when I travel forward why do I not stay there?

Everyone knows I drive a fast car and I have found myself driving so fast lately that I have not noticed the seasons changing around me. In addition, I have looked back to my past for answers and I don't even know whats the question. Recently, I have written two stories related to the past and/or future. Its about time I read them again right?

Today you will find my time machine on Craigslist. LOL. I am done! Futhermore, I will slow the G down and watch spring form.

One Day.......

He will wrap me in his arms while I sleep
he will smile at me while starring in my eyes
he will take me to heights I have never seen
he will tell me his thoughts of a previous dream.

One day he will do things that were never imaged
he will teach me things and help me to inspire.
one day we will have conversation that is far from simple
he will allow me to caress his face ever so gentle.

One day he will make me feel like I am the king in his world
we will be transformed from what we were
he will do things just because
and one day I will say "wow this must be love".

Moving On...

In a conversation with my judy's regarding some of the people I have recently dated I expressed to him that although none actually formed into a relationship, some I would have like to keep around and communicate with while others can kick rocks. Its unfortunate that with each I have not been able to do so because apparently they did not see me as good enough to be a friend, however I was GREAT for relationships.

At first I was pissed, and like WTF, because we did not get into a relationship we can't be friends. Then I came to the conclusion hmmm... maybe you are not suppose to be friends with everyone. Oh well.... I presume everything happens for reasons.

This was a distraction free weekend and it allowed me to focus on whats important to me. Yes my memory had to be jogged but I am glad it has been.

Doing it well

Things are becoming harder as we fall deeper into this recession, there is a cocoon that traps us into negative or limited thinking about who we are and what we can become. Either we can continue to think of ourselves as victims, or we can take ownership of our lives and extend our possibilities in limitless directions.


Think of something in your life you are great at. Own it, and pour your spirit into it. Michael Jordan did not just play basketball, but definied his inner self as he soared to the basket. Within each of us is an inspiration - a spark of insight about the person we were meant to be. Reinventing yourself helps us to name that vision...to call it ours and to begin to make it happen.

Who wants a First Lady?

Why is everyone trying out for the first lady position? Why is it difficult for gay men to be co-presidents? Is it so hard for gay men to have some attributes aside from physical appearances that MEN have?

I personally have a very strong opinion about what defines a man. I don't think that it is necessary for you to have a blue collar position or be a homo thug to have some sort of masculinity. However, every man in his own right should have something masculine about him. That makes him a man aside from standing up to piss, which lets be honest hell some of them dont want to do that LOL.

I dont think that gay relationships should be like hetrosexual relationships. Who the hell wants that? Why can't we be two men co-exist being men? To me there is nothing sexier than you and your man playing sports together, discussing cars, building things, etc.. Uhh you know doing somethings that men do.

Why do I have to change the oil, cut the grass and play sports. Meanwhile you want to be the cheerleader, the wife and/or the first lady. Can we both do both yet still be men? eeewww....

The Race

What are we racing for? Must race be an issue in every instance? Recently a friend and I were talking and she told me while listening to a nationally syndicated radio show the DJ accused those 2 judges who were sending kids to jail of only sending black boys to jail. When in fact they were sending all kids to jail. Why must everyone make everything about their race? Is it not enough that we as a country are all in the same state of crisis right now? I know its an age old question but how different would the world be if race was not an issue? Danielle said her father told her if we did not argue about race it would be about something else height, hair, etc. I presume he is right but I would like to see the day...........

HAPPY MARDI GRAS!!!!!

Hmmm.......

So he has me thinking..... what have I done to ignite such a passion that he wants us to have a family together, share friends, live together. He said he watched me sleep one night and though to himself damn.... he also mentioned there is some kind of feeling you get when you watch the man you want sleeping in your bed.

This is a man I have never even kissed, a man I have known for less than 6 months, the time we spend is limited due to schedule conflicts but some how some way he has imagined all of the above with me. I am not sure what its all about but I am sure it makes me feel good.

Girl Child Aint Safe In A Fag Club

What possess a man to pursue a woman in a gay club? The other night my friends and I went out and my best friend Danielle came along with us. Now, Danielle is a straight woman, a hag who just wanted to go out with her fag.

Some clown claiming to be just there with his "boyz" was trying to pick her up? Needless to say I interjected and one thing lead to another and we were kicked out for me attempting to beat this guys ass. LOL...

Why in 2009 do men still feel the need to be "DL"? Is it that serious you cant come to terms with your life that you must involve the lives of others. There is nothing more liberating then a man coming to terms with his sexuality.

Amazing....

As a Christmas gift I was given an iPhone and recently decided to have it activated. The phone it itself has thousands of applications. One particular called Loopted is a social networking app. This evening as I was scrolling Loopted and came across this particular profile picture with two guys hugging. The headline read "I have an amazing partner".

It got me to thinking what makes him so amazing?? Does he smile in the mornings at you, does he uplift your spirit after a hard days work, does he make you laugh, does he keep your relationship new and exciting, are you equally yoked? Oh wait that's what I want in a partner. Dictionary.com defines amazing as "causing great surprise or sudden wonder". Its also synonymous with astonishing, fantastic, incredible, and wonderful.

This guy has claimed to have found a partner who is amazing and so amazing he wanted to tell the world. WOW!!!! Althought I am not seeking a relationship if only I can be so lucky.

NEW EYES WATCHING OVER AMERICA

Table for 1

Norman Cousins once said, "the eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness." From the beginning of life we are surrounded by others. In conversations with people, I have often times heard them express how the thought of being alone or growing old alone frightens them.

Typically when we see an elder and/or know someone who is alone we view them as crazy, strange etc. It is a constant reminder of what we don't want to be. Its funny that we are able to do so much alone, yet so many other things "require" us to be with someone else.

Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone. When you become strong enough to love yourself 100% good and bad, you have no problem requesting a ....... table for 1.

1.8.81

As of last year my birthday has become a very touchy subject for me.

Last night I was out with a group of friends to "celebrate" my birthday at Surins and somehow someway the night got ugly when two friends got into an argument. To make light of the situation, I decided to "recreate" the events change the location and their names... LOL....

The cast of characters included Barbara Ann, Lilly Jane, Odessa, Bubba Joe and myself. When I arrived at the Barbara Ann was already sitting at the bar drinking a glass of thunderbird and reading soap opera digest. We hugged as she wished me a happy birthday. Shortly after I arrived Odessa came in explaining how she has been combing her hair all day and her wrist is really hurting. We said awww…. Maybe you should have a drink to calm your nerves. She said sure "I will get a glass of Boones Strawberry Hill bartender". So we are all just standing there kee keeing about how great I look and how fabulous my wardrobe was. I remind them that all it takes is a great Dr. and a great knife to look the way I look. As we are looking out the window we see Lilly Jane and Bubba Joe coming in.

I go over to tell the hostess our party is here. She said “they are just cleaning the table in the golden suite and if you all want to get started we just put out some fresh clean plates at the buffet please feel free to help yourselves.” We get settled in the room and we all sit down and start to talk. The waiter comes in and Bubba Joe orders a MD 20/20, I order a shot of water, and Lilly Jane orders a double chocolate chardonnay with coco chips on top.

As the night progresses we engage in some deep conversations from ctrl p + ctrl v=1.5 billable to how the lights went out in Hawaii. Between the MD, the Boones, the Thunderbird and the constant trips to the buffet line the conversation gets really deep. Barbara Ann ask Odessa a question and she becomes heated and say “how dare you” she then throws her drink on Barbara Ann. Barbara stunned by what has happen pulls her wig off to reveal a spike Mohawk. Odessa embarrassed runs out leaving one of her glass slippers behind. As we are leaving not believing what has happen Odessa walks back in and say what happen to my shoe I know you stole it Derrick, I say what then reach in my bag and pull out my tee shirt which said “BYTCH PLEASE”!!!! Barbara Ann said no I have it Odessa who can’t believe that she had her slipper goes into her purse and pulls out a set of brass knuckles and tells Barbara Ann to bring it outside. Bubba Joe said you know what that’s my cue to leave I got billables to do and he takes off. Lilly Jane who is high from chocolate tries to calm Odessa down.

Barbara Ann said let her azz go I am from the West End I will shank her ass… Bubba Joe hearing that as he is on his way out the door comes back and say did she say shank? I said yes. He said “shank as in to stab or jug” I say yes… he said OK I am out of here. So we get outside and Odessa has pulled her car around to the front and her face is greased up and she has taken off her shoes. Barbara Ann then gives Lilly Jane her earrings and then she walks up to Odessa and grabs her wrist. Odessa then runs off and jumps in her car and speeds off.

When I get home(it took 15 minutes) there was a Marshall at my door with a subpoena to appear in court for tomorrow. It read Odessa Jones vs. Barbara Ann Swoops. I am like WTF.. So I go to court this morning there is Odessa with black mac make up around her eye with her wrist in a sling. On the other side was Barbara Ann. Odessa has filed suit alleging Barbara Ann broke her wrist and she has to have it replaced. Because Odessa does real paralegal work she was able to prove that Barbara Ann really did insult her and now Shelley I mean Barbara Ann has to sell her house to pay for Denise I mean Odessa medical bills.

I never was able to have cheesecake on my bday.

The OK Life

I had a conversation with a friend of mine tonight about guys in Atlanta. He could not understand why people he has dated are so complacent. An example he gave was a date to the movies and how the other person stated they did not have the funds for that. He thought to himself you don't have 10 dollars? Which under some circumstances we both agreed you may not have money however why is that always the case? This applies to all aspects of life not just finances.

After we finished our conversation, of course I started to think why do we become so complacent in life? What makes us stop striving for more? Automatic repetitive behavior is what the brain is designed for. Complacency is not the result of apathy, carelessness or a flaw in your personality its just the way we as humans are.

You can start giving daily attention to your needs and desires. We all have desires and those desires require you to step box and picture where you want to be. Never settle for an OK life. Always strive for your best life yet. Remember a business plan without a strategy is just a wish.